It takes a Village…or a Step-Mom!?!

You hear the saying “It takes a Village to raise a child” all the time. Everyone needs help, advice, even a shoulder to cry on when we epically fail, which we all do (even me).  I often find myself questioning why I have such an attachment to my StepChild and how its possible that I often forget that he is not biologically mine. When I look at him, he looks like my biological children, people say all the time, that if they didn’t know, they would never be able to tell.

Maybe, its because when he is in my lap, caressing my face, and saying “Mommy, I love you” my heart melts everytime. Honestly, though I think it has more to do with the fact that I can’t have children anymore, following a hysterectomy in 2007. So, in a sense I was blessed with another child, a dream and desire I so desperately had wanted but couldn’t create on my own.

So, in tottles this One year old baby boy, that at first, I’ll be honest didn’t want anything to do with me, and for me – it was WORK, because my children are so much older. When he would come to stay, it was hard, more involved, and through the months and now years, potty training, and terrible two’s, we grew into a mother and son. Do you even know how hard that is? Does anyone know how hard it is to love someone else’s child, someone who doesnt want you to kiss away booboo’s, or doesnt want you to hold them, feed them, etc…. and yet the two of us, WE DID IT!

Now, I’m the best booboo kisser, the ultimate make everything better person, and the one he wants all the time. I discipline him, I support him, and yes I have to be the mean mommy here and there….but kids need that, crave that even, and they grow much happier & content with that sense of normalcy, that is from structure.

So, makes me wonder if maybe I am supposed to be in this little man’s life. Like, God wanted another influence, another Village member, to help, to love, to guide, to help raise this wonderful little boy. Maybe, Stepmoms are angels – without wings, and with apron strings, extra special mommy powers, and a little dash of amazing. Maybe, thats why I feel like he is mine, because in a sense he is.

I understand…but yet I don’t think I do – Does that make any sense at all?

If three years ago my children came home and said they were calling dads gf Mom, or any variation of it, I would have cringed, possibly even thrown the most immature womanly hissy fit, yelled at my ex, and told my children no way in hell could they or would they call her anything but by her first name. Is this acceptable behavior, you may ask…the answer very simply is NO. Further more, realizing where this intenal fight to be Primo Mom, is within yourself. Its an insecurity, its being worried that someone else is better, is taking better care, or TAKING OVER.

Let me tell you this, its not going to happen, if you are a good mom. If your slacking, then yes you  have every right to be scared. However, no right to tell your child they can’t call someone who acts as a mother, Mom, and especially not letting them love someone who is good to them. But, if your a good mom, an attentive, loving, caring mother, noone can take your place – as scary as it feels, its not going to happen. Even more, even if your a really bad mom, some kids still want that, they love you unconditionally, regardless of acts, size, beauty, money…etc. You are mommy…and thats where being a StepMom sucks!

Now, fast forward three years, I’m remarried, with the most loving, most adorable little StepSon who is only 3. He calls me Mom, and my heart, mind and soul forget everyday, he wasnt born from me. Hence, a few of the many reasons BM hates me. Hate isn’t a generalization of the term, its literal. I’m also certain, there is a bounty or hit out for my head or body somewhere! This woman thinks I rode in on a son stealing stepmom donkey and am on a mission to brainwash him into thinking I the best. There is no son stealing donkey, although there is a donkey – but we shalt not name names. 🙂

Anyhow, Ive been in my wonderful SS life since he was one, and since my kiddos call me mommy, he just started one day. I, because of what I shared above, was 150 million % against it (I dont think I wrote that percentage correct) and kept correcting him to my name. Until one night, my Mother-In-Law pulled me aside and made a pretty great point, that stuck from that night on. She told me that if he is comfortable calling me that, and of his own will, I should let him. The reason being that I wouldnt want to make him feel any less important, any less loved, or any less one of my children. And, she was right! Who am I to make this loving child that knows I do what moms do, not be his mom.

After all, I bathe him, I dress him, feed him, snuggle him when he wants loves, carry him when he is too tired to walk, kiss away his booboo’s, play with him, love him, rock him to sleep, all the things every mom does. So, why should I get some stirmatized label, of the worted witch that needs a nose job to hide the hairy funk on her face? OR, be called by my name? I shouldn’t and I don’t.

There has been one backlash from this, unrealized and now unable to remedy I might add. I think my SS, is far smarter than many people realize a 3 year old can be. Because, quickly he started referring to me when he would talk to his BM, as MommyJessica, and when he would talk to me, it was MommyKatie for his BM. With all the redirection in the world..this has not stopped. Even, with his BM telling him I am not his mom, that he cannot call me his mom, and that we only have one mom and its her, he hasn’t stopped. He did come home of course and tell me, that BM has a secret special name for me, and what it was – its a lovely word that rhymes with Witch – you know with the hairy wort-mole and all. She is a real peach 🙂

Anyhow, I understand her distate for him calling me mommy, because I was there before, but until she is in the same position, she will never truly see the full picture. Granted I am quite a few years older than her, and he is her only child, I understand that, I understand her worry, her fight to be Super Mom, to have him all to herself, but I don’t understand why she can’t just appreciate the fact that he is happy, loved and cared for – After all, isnt that really all that matters?Image