Healing as an adult is ridiculously hard. It requires bravery, brutal and almost blunt-force honesty, and it can leave you completely depleted. Especially on the days that sneak up out of nowhere and smack you right in the face. A broken heart, a broken soul or even a broken human can still hold an enormous amount of vitality because broken means open. And, open provides a means of escape for pain and an entrance for hope. Just because it is hard for you to heal does not mean you’re hard to love.
“Leaving your broken heart open allows pain to escape and hope to enter.”
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never fully heal. I’ll never be understood or fully appreciated or be able to exist just as I am without having to explain who I am and why I feel or act a certain way. It’s as if my heart is filetted wide open, or an open wound even, and just as it’s being stitched up and sanitized, a stitch busts open again. Take a building undergoing renovations yet stays open for business. That’s me. I’m walking around like a “normal” person doing “normal” things all the while I am being gutted, and refortified. I’m being made with a stronger foundation but as each supporting wall is demolished, there is damage revealing itself, screaming, “hey, don’t forget about me – remember that one time? Let’s talk about that!” And, it’s exhausting and some days I feel beaten down.
Healing is hard. Healing is brave. Healing takes time. Think of it like weight loss. If you lose the weight too fast, it usually comes back and with a vengeance. If you lose weight the healthy way, which takes longer – it stays off and you become stronger. Our hearts, minds and bodies all heal the same way.
I think it is important that we share these moments and feelings of inadequacy and defeat because that is being authentic. We need more authenticity in our lives. The truth is sometimes we do feel flawed, inadequate and fearful of failing, and that is okay. It is okay to feel these things as long as you follow it with truth, faith and grace. Trust me, I know that is not always easy. But healing even the slightest bit, is progress.
Healing requires self-compassion and heaps of grace.
When I feel under attack and unworthy, I remind myself of God’s truth, of his promises and abilities to create through me and within me whatever I lack. On really difficult days, I battle between believing those truths and believing the lie that I am not who God says I am. Truth is, I don’t always see myself how God sees me or even how others who love me see me. Sometimes I see myself how the enemy sees me. My reflection varies from flawless and blameless to the distorted image manifested from what I was told growing up which were lies that became my truth.
Have you ever had to actively retrain yourself to stop believing what you believe to be the truth? A truth that doesn’t make sense to you and feels like a lie? It..is..HARD. It is like taking an apple and placing it in someone’s hand and telling them it is an apple, but they see an orange. To them it looks, smells and feels like an orange, but it is an apple. How do you explain that what you see, feel and sense is false? It is crazy to think that the truth is, your truth is a lie and you’ve believed it your whole life. And it is hard as hell to heal as a grown adult when you were broken as a child.
I feel fear but I choose faith. I feel sadness but I choose joy. I feel hopeless but I choose hopeful. I feel the lie but I choose the truth.
The truth is:
- I am loved.
- I do matter.
- With God I am enough.
- I am the girl for the job.
- I am the mom my children need.
- I am a good wife.
- I am a good friend.
- I am who God says I am.
God says I am HIS, and that I am:
I have a voice, calling and a purpose. God makes no mistakes, and these are the truths I (we) need to root my(our)self in when the lies scream louder. The lies we were taught, and the dysfunctional environments we’ve found ourselves in may look and feel like shackles but if you look a little closer you will see that the shackles unlocked the moment we stepped into the freedom, love and acceptance of Jesus. We were just blinded by the enemy’s lies. We are free to remove ourselves one binding at a time and walk away from those lies and pain and into healing, hope and love.
Whatever you’re battling today, you’re not alone and your no longer bound to the lies of your past. Take a step forward friend even if it is just one each day until you can look back on this day and see the difference, the distance and the growth. Healing takes time and hard to heal does not mean hard to love.