There are a majority of life events that I would never alter, even some very painful choices, losses and lessons – because those molded me into who I am today. Truth be told, I’m proud of who I am today. I’ve never been one for regrets. I firmly believe the path I chose, tested me purposely, and grew me intentionally. Without God’s grace and mercy, I wouldn’t have found the path he made for me in the wilderness I created.
Any revision that would alter my children or my husband being mine was off limits! However, I’d be lying if my mind didn’t wander with other events or even some rather questionable choices. So, I began to play around with some tweaks here and there of what I would do just a little differently. Here’s what I came up with in absolutely no order of sense or occurrence;
I would hurt fewer people.
I would not put the edible underwear in the freezer, in plain sight, by the ice cream with young children in the house. (Gag gift, but still, I know!)
I would fight harder in certain situations but less in most.
I would not act on every impulse praying it was God, knowing it wasn’t.
I would attend my grandfather’s funeral even being disowned.
I would not take the position at the jail.
I would save myself, value myself and respect myself more.
I would not go to the hemp festival, or eat that ganja ball, or wear that shirt without a bra pretending to be a hippie. Actually, I’d probably go without the bra again! (Oh, the days before breastfeeding babies.)
I would beg no one to stay. Ever!
I would not sneak out that one time and go to that one party.
I would be more diligent in washing my face. (random I know, but dang it Jessica!)
I would not cheat, lie, marry, forgive or trust him.
I would know my worth lies in God’s hands, not anyone else’s.
I would not skip reading the instructions before using a tampon for the first time. (Okay, younger than sixteen but still… a necessary edit!)
I would re-do a majority of 2008-2009 with heavy edits, a diet and a healthy fear of God and a improved conscience.
I would not let a man ever lay hands on me, or stay with him after he did.
I would find and use my voice much sooner.
I would not leave my mustang with a manual transmission, in neutral in the mall parking lot – while I went shopping.
I would be more spontaneous.
I would not join any AOL chat rooms and talk with anyone who’s screen name was whippedcream24/7. (If you’re shaking your head, I am too – don’t worry!)
I would be a single mom much longer, and a stronger mom who focused on her kids being loved instead.
I would not say that “thing” I said at a softball game once, to his new wife.
I would apologize less for who I am and celebrate myself more.
I would not see trauma, abandonment and failure as a weakness. I would see a therapist and focus on healing as a strength.
I would let her keep him.
I would not drink warm Blackberry MD 20/20 behind the school gym during summer school.
I would stand up for others more in highschool. Including myself, especially during my senior year with those awful girls who cornered me in the bathroom. (If only I was who I am now, then!)
I would not attend a girls’ night in that rural city where a backyard holds too many secrets.
And, the final thing I would do differently if I woke up sixteen again, I’d get up at 2 am and join my dad in the kitchen for a grilled cheese sandwich.
What about you, what edits or additions would you make?