Patience tested √
Give a damn busted √
Over ev.er.y.thing and e.v.e.r.y.one! √
Job sucks √
Money sucks √
People suck √
Trapped in life √
Well, there you have it! My weeks checklist of negativity. Actually, I loathe negativity, which is ironic because being a realist is basically being a bi-polar bestie with negativity! Go figure!
A dear friend of mine, Amber, whom you can’t help but completely adore, is just one of those happy go lucky, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, kind of gals. Her home is built with rose colored walls, shutters and doors. The sun literally shines out of this girls ass, I kid you not! And, even she is having a bad week! Do you understand now, that we are dealing with some serious bullshit here?!?
If you watch Big Brother, you know one of the HOH’s is Frankie Grande (yes, Ariana Grande’s brother) he is the one with a pink mohawky hairstyle, who is fabulously…well, fabulously Frankie! A.n.y.w.a.y.s. he has coined a term whether he is aware of this or not, that I have taken hostage. The term: “I’m going to freak the frankie out!” And, well, not only has that become my new saying, but I’ve also totally considered changing my name to Frankie! Okay, that’s a lie, but I’m willing to bet you sense my level of dedication to my new-found term!!
At random moments this week, I have wanted to freak the Frankie out, maybe Frannie and Farley too, who knows, with this week anything is possible! Have you ever just let yourself go, and lose it? Maybe screamed out loud, or into a pillow? Maybe cried, you know the sobbing kind of gut wrenching – snotty – gonna throw up – hyperventilating cry? I would actually completely advise against it, if you can avoid it, because I did that once, after my ex-husband left, it was really – SUPER – pathetic! It felt great after I’ll give you that, but the “during” part was bad, and I am sure I looked hideous, because I am not one of those pretty criers. BUT, I got it all out and could move forward. This week though, I can’t do even a little of that. It is as if I am re-living the horrible movie “Groundhog Day”, and its skipping, in an old worn-out dvd player! The energy it would take to get up, walk over to the dvd player, and either beat it, or take the disc out, break it or fling it out the window, just feels like too much work, you know?
Here’s the deal, if I could get away with it, I would tell off probably four, maybe five people. One would cost me my job – so can’t go there, plus it is unprofessional (input eye roll here). Two people, wouldn’t give a shit, and would laugh at my allowing them to live rent free in my head – so my pride refuses a visit there. One of the two remaining is just being an immature selfish ass – and usually they are blissfully unaware and unaffected, making any attempt of mine – pointless. And, the last person, well poop on a stick – I can’t even remember who it is after writing about the other four. Ugh! See . what . I . mean? I can’t even formulate a freaking thought this week.
I suppose it is my own fault for not listening when my grandfather used to tell me “stop being so affected!” Apparently that advice helped me immensely, since I am now, thirty-four and still freaking affected! I am pretty sure I’m stuck this way! There is no hope for me, I cry at commercials, I am a FEELER, people! and I love that.
Hi, my name is Jessica and I am a feeler. There, now can we move on to step two? I mean, who wants to not feel?
When life is happy – I feel happiness, when life sucks – I feel sucky, and so on with every other emotional fruit in the messed up fruit basket of life! I would rather feel than eat that basket of fruit though, because I have a pretty good feeling “sucky” tastes shitty! Just sayin’ (P.S. that was for Austin Blood)
This may very well be the first blog that I have written that lacks any real point – other than to bitch, complain and vent. Oh, by the way, I now remember the last person I wanted to go off on, and here is what I would say to them “If you are my friend, be my friend! Be my friend all the time, every time, all the way…period.the.end. Pretty freaking simple if you ask me, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I am – who I am, that is NEVER going to change. Want to know why? Because, I LOVE ME! I do. I don’t want to be you, or her, or him, or them – just me. My life is just that, mine. Don’t waste your energy judging me, worry about your damn self. Not that there is anything wrong with them or you – I just have this prior life-long commitment thing going on with myself already, you know? Why would I throw that out the window to be anything different?” <—- See, I am funny – sometimes I crack myself up with my thoughts. Too bad there isn’t a Facebook relationship status of: Prior commitment with self.
Last night, laying in bed with my favorite, (who is one person who didn’t end up on my shit list this week, thank goodness) I said: “Sometime’s I feel like you are the only person who likes me” and he said “That’s cause I am.”
While, realistically I know this isn’t true, I have friends that love me, blah blah blah, I didn’t care. He was the only person I wanted to like me, because then I wasn’t alone in liking myself already. No wonder we fit so well. In the end, it is FRIDAY, I made it another week, and so did you, pat yourself on the back a toast something yummy to that!