What I want him to know…

One day without much notice this little blonde hair baby came totting into my home. Barely able to walk on your own, you were holding your daddy’s hand.  My life changed in that moment, almost the same as when you hear the words “you’re pregnant”. Except in my case, I didn’t have nine months to prepare. Didn’t spend countless hours searching for the perfect name, or daydreaming about whether you’d look like your father or me.  My body never carried you; I never felt your first kick or heard your first heartbeat. The love that created you, wasn’t mine, and the air you breath and the life you were given were not from me.  My heartbeat wasn’t the one you fell asleep to at night, and my voice wasn’t the one that would make you turn you head.                                                 

“There are a lot of things that I wasn’t – But listen to this instead”

Nine months of preparation was never needed with you, because you were someone I had prayed for all along. Countless hours are spent saying your name, sharing every funny little story, every sweet moment with whoever will listen to me share. Being just like your father, and having his smile and personality is all I could have ever hoped for.  The first time you laid your head on my chest, and fell asleep in my arms our heartbeats were one in the same. You were not someone else’s child; you in that moment became a part of me.  Your love was a gift to me, your innocence brought me youth, and your father showed me a completely new life.

You became a brother, and gained a big sister and brother.  Quickly you became best friends with your brother, and your sister couldn’t go anywhere without you.  They protected you, cared for you and loved you instantly, not because you were different, or special, or “extra” – instead it was because you are their brother.

Somewhere along the line, those nine months I lacked of worry and concern over how you would be or who you would be – I’ve made up tenfold.  Because when your heart hurts, mine does too. That’s why I want to say these things to you

My love for you is a bond that took time to create,

It’s not one that can be easily erased;

There will be times when you may have to choose,

My promise to you is to understand if I lose.

*****

My job as your stepmom is to understand,

I’ll always lend a helping hand;

Although my place may not be first,

I’ll be beside you through the worst.

*****

Your mother and I do have one thing we share,

Well two I guess to be honest & fair;

We of course share you, an adorable little man,

And we share moments of being your biggest fan.

Published by

Totally Jessifiable

Raised in the South, St. Mary’s GA – Go Dawgs! Living in the Northwest raising three, never boring teenagers, and embarrassing them as often as possible with my favorite man in the world. My writing will take you to the trenches, to where foundation has crumbled beneath my feet and I'm too weak to stand, yet strong enough to kneel. It will make you feel as though you are sitting beside me in moments of redemption with Jesus too. My life is not a fairytale, but I still believe in them and there are moments when love can shatter any heart of stone. It's my choice to share my stories, but its Gods purpose to have me share it. It needs to be known that you can struggle, battle, fail and go through hell, yet come up and out of those trenches as a warrior with a beautiful redemption story. I do my best to write with poise and gut-busting grace so its an adventure. Being blunt as all get out, saying it exactly how it is, saves everyone time. You’ll learn to love and appreciate me, and if not – that’s cool too. I’m a “go big or go home” kind of gal and nothing I do is ever half-hearted or under thought.

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